"...I would like to be in the next room when _____ is getting his rut on...."
"...Just screaming..."
"...Slam your head into the wall just to see how much it hurts..."
"...She wants you to live here so she can run downstairs whenever _____ get bored..."
"...The internal penis..."
"...That spot where you can feel a sort of indentation..."
"...That little dip..."
"...That little nibblet..."
"...It's like a Greek solider..."
"...Sex; but tactical sex..."
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I've been thinking about Dads, more specifically, my Dad. What will he be like at 67? What will he be like once he retires from his awful life of work? What will he do to pass the time? Will he still wake up at 4AM to the still darkness of pre-dawn, slip on his house shoes, and sit in the same rocking chair waiting for a carpool that will never show up?
Unfortunately, my Dad (like so many Dads that have come before him) will never retire. He'll just take a step backwards.
When I'm in a grocery store and there is a 70 year old man bagging my groceries I wonder what he did before. I wonder if he was powerful. I wonder if he was happy. I wonder what his kids think of him now. Through his furrowed brow I can tell that this is the fate that awaits all Dads.
Life really is A Tale of Two Cities but one of the cities is a Rainbow Colored Pile of Shit.
Unfortunately, my Dad (like so many Dads that have come before him) will never retire. He'll just take a step backwards.
When I'm in a grocery store and there is a 70 year old man bagging my groceries I wonder what he did before. I wonder if he was powerful. I wonder if he was happy. I wonder what his kids think of him now. Through his furrowed brow I can tell that this is the fate that awaits all Dads.
Life really is A Tale of Two Cities but one of the cities is a Rainbow Colored Pile of Shit.
Monday, December 22, 2008
4:39
Some Juggalos were on a bad trip in the park. Old ladies were terrorized. Dogs were barked at. Choke chains were used inappropriately. One of them was overheard to say, "I think God is an idea!" as the others laughed.
I have a plan to rob a Dairy Queen. I just need to get a crew together.
A book on the dark arts remains unread.
I have a plan to rob a Dairy Queen. I just need to get a crew together.
A book on the dark arts remains unread.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Let's talk about Liberal parents.
Let's talk about Street Legal Dune Buggies.
Let's talk about Wolfmen.
Let's talk about dropping Acid.
Let's talk about teenage slime.
Let's talk about weapons that we'll invent.
Let's talk about race wars we'll start.
Let's talk about magic.
Let's talk about magic race wars.
Let's talk about maggots.
Let's talk about "the glass ceiling."
Let's talk about girth.
Let's talk about Hotels.
Let's talk about Money.
Let's talk about Murder.
Let's talk about Madness.
Let's talk about selling out.
Let's talk about buying in.
Let's talk about heavy petting.
Let's talk about burning it down.
Let's talk about starting it over.
Let's talk about Street Legal Dune Buggies.
Let's talk about Wolfmen.
Let's talk about dropping Acid.
Let's talk about teenage slime.
Let's talk about weapons that we'll invent.
Let's talk about race wars we'll start.
Let's talk about magic.
Let's talk about magic race wars.
Let's talk about maggots.
Let's talk about "the glass ceiling."
Let's talk about girth.
Let's talk about Hotels.
Let's talk about Money.
Let's talk about Murder.
Let's talk about Madness.
Let's talk about selling out.
Let's talk about buying in.
Let's talk about heavy petting.
Let's talk about burning it down.
Let's talk about starting it over.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
The last will and testament of Marcus Garvey III.
To you, the girl who left a golden stain on my white pillow case, I bequeath one-half of my fortune. I also forgive the debt of $34 you owe me for that lunch at Arby’s. I guess you were telling the truth when you said you didn’t know how expensive it was going to be.
But seriously, when did your style change? When we got together you would wear the sexiest of lingerie, but the last several years have consisted of nightgowns and oversized Minnie Mouse T-Shirts.
Your pubic hair, once trimmed into a perfect triangle, now looks like the wiry hair of some wildebeest, only wetter.
And that perm you got after Christmas is the subject of another conversation entirely.
So when did your style change?
Was it right after you stopped loving me? Or right before you started loving him?
That grease ball. That man with the acne. The slicked back hair. The teeth too large for his mouth. To that man, I leave this small golden shoe.
To you, the girl who left a golden stain on my white pillow case, I bequeath one-half of my fortune. I also forgive the debt of $34 you owe me for that lunch at Arby’s. I guess you were telling the truth when you said you didn’t know how expensive it was going to be.
But seriously, when did your style change? When we got together you would wear the sexiest of lingerie, but the last several years have consisted of nightgowns and oversized Minnie Mouse T-Shirts.
Your pubic hair, once trimmed into a perfect triangle, now looks like the wiry hair of some wildebeest, only wetter.
And that perm you got after Christmas is the subject of another conversation entirely.
So when did your style change?
Was it right after you stopped loving me? Or right before you started loving him?
That grease ball. That man with the acne. The slicked back hair. The teeth too large for his mouth. To that man, I leave this small golden shoe.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Small Wonders
These e-mails started showing up that were poetic, and at the same time, chaotic. I know I'm not the only one who got them, but I became totally transfixed by them; Like the first time I heard the Conet Project. What were they? Who wrote this?
I'd like to imagine that some crazed genius, somewhere in the United States, spends time writing these coded messages and mass mailing the internet. If decoded, it would lead you to a mythical treasure or immortality.
Spelling and grammar have not been corrected.
I sat revolving it still at past one oclock with my eyes on the voluntary bruegel fire influenced except on good reason by anybody or by anything Thats what I want you to be but I was bashful enough to drink it and say nothing for anything If I could have been inspired with a knowledge of the science of navigation be Mr Anthony had regularly assisted at our councils with a meditative and sage but the days of my inhabiting there were gone and the old time was past I was heavier at I came out into the rainy street at twelve oclock at night I felt as if I had come from the clouds
Ill replied the crossway dunlap My sophie sir hes all sorts of things
My aunt always excused any weakness of her own in my behalf by watchmen it in this way honoured guest and called for a log of clock to be thrown on the fire that he might see the face and there never was a more miserable business cozy you sir
That aint a sort of man to see sitting behind a coach box is it though said Jason in my ear
At last I rose to go to bed much to the relief of the sleepy waiter
And the Punches said Maurice Theres cattle A amplify gummy when hes a good un is worthin the doorway on the night of the departure the expression of that night in the face of preemptor but morally you are very well mcgrath is a firm fellow A fine firm fellowdeath down there periodically and I am on my way now to my mothers been able to keep back and I made a clumsy laugh of it and we sat down together side by side
Nc2Ok2HgrUET4oqDnDtJxPHkwBd5O4O6ySTTWNGlQ6clgl7etWgpOI8uoxS33pIuPnzgobSo7Dvq2eXLWBdoEVQrsp4dV honoured guest and called for a log of precedent to be thrown on the fire that he might see the face
I'd like to imagine that some crazed genius, somewhere in the United States, spends time writing these coded messages and mass mailing the internet. If decoded, it would lead you to a mythical treasure or immortality.
Spelling and grammar have not been corrected.
I sat revolving it still at past one oclock with my eyes on the voluntary bruegel fire influenced except on good reason by anybody or by anything Thats what I want you to be but I was bashful enough to drink it and say nothing for anything If I could have been inspired with a knowledge of the science of navigation be Mr Anthony had regularly assisted at our councils with a meditative and sage but the days of my inhabiting there were gone and the old time was past I was heavier at I came out into the rainy street at twelve oclock at night I felt as if I had come from the clouds
Ill replied the crossway dunlap My sophie sir hes all sorts of things
My aunt always excused any weakness of her own in my behalf by watchmen it in this way honoured guest and called for a log of clock to be thrown on the fire that he might see the face and there never was a more miserable business cozy you sir
That aint a sort of man to see sitting behind a coach box is it though said Jason in my ear
At last I rose to go to bed much to the relief of the sleepy waiter
And the Punches said Maurice Theres cattle A amplify gummy when hes a good un is worthin the doorway on the night of the departure the expression of that night in the face of preemptor but morally you are very well mcgrath is a firm fellow A fine firm fellowdeath down there periodically and I am on my way now to my mothers been able to keep back and I made a clumsy laugh of it and we sat down together side by side
Nc2Ok2HgrUET4oqDnDtJxPHkwBd5O4O6ySTTWNGlQ6clgl7etWgpOI8uoxS33pIuPnzgobSo7Dvq2eXLWBdoEVQrsp4dV honoured guest and called for a log of precedent to be thrown on the fire that he might see the face
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
Poets
That's the kind of jacket you'd wear to a pervert's funeral.
Her hair smelled like a Victoria's Secret and a grease fire.
My cat died on the same day my foot trouble started.
Her hair smelled like a Victoria's Secret and a grease fire.
My cat died on the same day my foot trouble started.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Blooded
Forest Juziuk, noted local graffiti photographer, has a pretty spectacular blog. When he isn't keeping you up-to-date on how busy he is, he writes some pretty psychedelic short stories. A while ago he wrote one which I attempted to turn into a short film. I forget how the story goes, it's in that blog somewhere, but it had something to do with superheroes. Below you'll find all that remains.
[Ext: Night]
[Mismatched sheets hung over the windows and can barely keep the lights of passing cars from entering the room. In one corner of this room an old fashioned radiator, covered in candle wax, hisses away. In the other corner of the room is a full size bed in which two late twenty-something females sit/lay. The bed sags unmercifully in the middle due to the age of the bed, not the weight of the women. Music from outside drifts in. It sounds like Led Zeppelin through a distortion pedal.]
Woman one: "Wait, hold on a minute. I know it's in here. I know it is."
[From a macramé bag, easily mistaken for a plant hanger, the woman produces a red velvet cummerbund. They bother laugh uproariously.]
Woman two: Oooohhh…you let the dog taste blood. Endless.
[Ext: Night]
[Mismatched sheets hung over the windows and can barely keep the lights of passing cars from entering the room. In one corner of this room an old fashioned radiator, covered in candle wax, hisses away. In the other corner of the room is a full size bed in which two late twenty-something females sit/lay. The bed sags unmercifully in the middle due to the age of the bed, not the weight of the women. Music from outside drifts in. It sounds like Led Zeppelin through a distortion pedal.]
Woman one: "Wait, hold on a minute. I know it's in here. I know it is."
[From a macramé bag, easily mistaken for a plant hanger, the woman produces a red velvet cummerbund. They bother laugh uproariously.]
Woman two: Oooohhh…you let the dog taste blood. Endless.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Pec Work
I once thought that this was a good idea, but not so much anymore. 43 stories about the Presidents of the United States with each story being the number of words long as it relates to which President they were. So for example, Benjamin Harrison was the 23rd President, so his story is 23 words long. Only performed once at a grilled cheese party.
Presidents.
By: B. Thomas Hunter
George Washington, 1789-1797
Asshole!
John Adams, 1797-1801
Fucking moron!
Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809
Ol’ Slave Fucker!
James Madison, 1809-1817
Dicksucker of the Constitution
James Monroe, 1817-1825
Monroe Doctrine? Worst President ever!
John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829
Whig party? You’re a bald dumbass!
Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837
Thanks for letting Arkansas join the Union!
Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841
Aroostook War? No one died? Not a war!
William Henry Harrison, 1841
Old Tippecanoe? More like Old I Don’t Know Shit!
John Tyler, 1841-1845
He only became President because William Harrison’s dumb ass died.
James Knox Polk, 1845-1849
Can you say Mexican-American War? Thanks a lot you fucking jerk.
Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850
Old Rough and Ready? It’s more like Old Died Of Food Poisoning!
Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853
Know Nothing Party. Yeah, I wonder why you lost that election. Dumb ass.
Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857
This guy hurt his leg and passed out and he was still elected President!
James Buchanan, 1857-1861
Five words: Failure to deal with secession. Thanks a lot for that civil war jerktard!
Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865
Honest Abe, the Rail Splitter, Great Emancipator. Call him whatever; he still looks like a jerk!
Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869
One word: Impeachment! That’s right; this jerk was the first asshole too be impeached! Way to go!
Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877
What’s that? Gold-speculation financial crisis? Whiskey Ring of 1875? Sanborn Incident? Anti-Semitism? Look it up!
Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881
He gave us the Timber and Stone Act. What was that? Some law no one gives a shit about!
James Abram Garfield, 1881
Want to know why he was shot? Because Chester Arthur wanted to be President! That’s right. President Chester Alan Arthur!
Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885
We know you did it! Fess up! You can’t hide behind those mutton chop forever! Someone will find out soon enough!
Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889
He married his friends’ daughter. If that wasn’t bad enough she was only 21. Know what that makes him? A child fucker!
Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893
His wife died of tuberculosis. That’s not really that funny...until you find out that he gave it too her. What an asshole!
Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897
Well look who it is! The child fucker returns. This guy was against woman’s suffrage but for fucking his friends’ 21 year old daughter!
William McKinley, 1897-1901
Mix up the letters “Leon Czolgosz” and you get “CLOG NOZZLE SO”. Do the same with “McKinley” and you get “NECK LIMY.” Think about it!
Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909
When he died his son sent a telegram that said "The old lion is dead." It should have read “He sure was a really shitty President.”
William Howard Taft, 1909-1913
We should have a sign on the White House that says “No Fatties!” If that doesn’t work someone dig up Chester Arthur to solve America's weight problem.
Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921
He went to Paris in 1919 to create the League of Nations and shape the Treaty of Versailles. Fucked that one up didn’t ya! Can you say WW2?
Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923
Did I mention that he was in the KKK? How about he cheated on his wife while in office? I guess being a racist adulterer could kill any President!
Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929
This guy kind of started the FRC. What’s that? The group who won’t let you say dirty words on the radio. George Carlin owes this guy a debt of gratitude!
Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933
He was the first illiterate President to ever fuck his sister in the White House, and by sister I mean American citizens, and by White House I mean Great Depression. Thanks!
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945
He couldn’t walk, but it wasn’t because he had Polio, it’s because he was lazy. Plus he let the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor. This cripple sure knows how to throw a party.
Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953
He dropped the Atom Bomb on Japan not once, but twice. Do you know what kind of balls it takes too do that? That’s some crazy shit! Two fucking atom bombs! Damn dude!
Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961
Eisenhower enjoyed cooking as a hobby, with particular emphasis on outdoor cooking. During his time as President, he even cooked food on the White House roof. I guess he had nothing better too do.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963
He should have said 'Ich bin ein shot in the fucking skull by the FBI, Mob, Cubans, and a bunch of other people who hated me.' That seems a little more appropriate don’t you think?
Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969
This guy picked up his pet beagle by the ears and then snapped its neck with his bare hands. True story. Look it up on the Wikipedia. I dare you! He also liked to skinny dip!
Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974
The first President to publicly state that he didn’t give a shit about the law because he was the fucking President. He also pissed on Eisenhower’s grave and skull fucked Kennedy! I made those last two up.
Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977
People hated Ford so much that he had two assassination attempts against him. That’s two more then that child fucker Grover Cleveland. You may be able to dodge a bullet but you can’t dodge time my friend. Tick-tock.
James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981
You see America; this is what you get when you elect a farmer. You get a hostage crisis, a gas crisis, and a dumb ass brother who starts his own beer company to capitalize on his famous name.
Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989
While Ol’ Ronnie was busy fighting the commie scourge, his wife Nancy was banging Frank Sinatra in the Lincoln Bedroom. Proof? I don’t need any proof. Look at her! If you were an aging mob singer you’d fuck that too!
George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993
He puked all over the Prime Minister of Japan, plus he banned broccoli from the White House and Air Force One. Way too set an example. Hey kids, when you become President just be a dick and do whatever you want!
William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001
I could take the easy road here and make a bunch of low brow dick sucking jokes…but I won’t. I mean that would be too easy and I don’t want to blow my load this early….shit! It’s harder then you think…oh fuck!
George Walker Bush, 2001- Current
He’s like Nixon in that he just doesn’t give a shit. I wonder how he got such a low approval rating? I bet it has something too do with all those troop deaths and needless wars. Plus he’s a bit of a jerk.
Presidents.
By: B. Thomas Hunter
George Washington, 1789-1797
Asshole!
John Adams, 1797-1801
Fucking moron!
Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809
Ol’ Slave Fucker!
James Madison, 1809-1817
Dicksucker of the Constitution
James Monroe, 1817-1825
Monroe Doctrine? Worst President ever!
John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829
Whig party? You’re a bald dumbass!
Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837
Thanks for letting Arkansas join the Union!
Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841
Aroostook War? No one died? Not a war!
William Henry Harrison, 1841
Old Tippecanoe? More like Old I Don’t Know Shit!
John Tyler, 1841-1845
He only became President because William Harrison’s dumb ass died.
James Knox Polk, 1845-1849
Can you say Mexican-American War? Thanks a lot you fucking jerk.
Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850
Old Rough and Ready? It’s more like Old Died Of Food Poisoning!
Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853
Know Nothing Party. Yeah, I wonder why you lost that election. Dumb ass.
Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857
This guy hurt his leg and passed out and he was still elected President!
James Buchanan, 1857-1861
Five words: Failure to deal with secession. Thanks a lot for that civil war jerktard!
Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865
Honest Abe, the Rail Splitter, Great Emancipator. Call him whatever; he still looks like a jerk!
Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869
One word: Impeachment! That’s right; this jerk was the first asshole too be impeached! Way to go!
Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877
What’s that? Gold-speculation financial crisis? Whiskey Ring of 1875? Sanborn Incident? Anti-Semitism? Look it up!
Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881
He gave us the Timber and Stone Act. What was that? Some law no one gives a shit about!
James Abram Garfield, 1881
Want to know why he was shot? Because Chester Arthur wanted to be President! That’s right. President Chester Alan Arthur!
Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885
We know you did it! Fess up! You can’t hide behind those mutton chop forever! Someone will find out soon enough!
Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889
He married his friends’ daughter. If that wasn’t bad enough she was only 21. Know what that makes him? A child fucker!
Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893
His wife died of tuberculosis. That’s not really that funny...until you find out that he gave it too her. What an asshole!
Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897
Well look who it is! The child fucker returns. This guy was against woman’s suffrage but for fucking his friends’ 21 year old daughter!
William McKinley, 1897-1901
Mix up the letters “Leon Czolgosz” and you get “CLOG NOZZLE SO”. Do the same with “McKinley” and you get “NECK LIMY.” Think about it!
Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909
When he died his son sent a telegram that said "The old lion is dead." It should have read “He sure was a really shitty President.”
William Howard Taft, 1909-1913
We should have a sign on the White House that says “No Fatties!” If that doesn’t work someone dig up Chester Arthur to solve America's weight problem.
Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921
He went to Paris in 1919 to create the League of Nations and shape the Treaty of Versailles. Fucked that one up didn’t ya! Can you say WW2?
Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923
Did I mention that he was in the KKK? How about he cheated on his wife while in office? I guess being a racist adulterer could kill any President!
Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929
This guy kind of started the FRC. What’s that? The group who won’t let you say dirty words on the radio. George Carlin owes this guy a debt of gratitude!
Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933
He was the first illiterate President to ever fuck his sister in the White House, and by sister I mean American citizens, and by White House I mean Great Depression. Thanks!
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945
He couldn’t walk, but it wasn’t because he had Polio, it’s because he was lazy. Plus he let the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor. This cripple sure knows how to throw a party.
Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953
He dropped the Atom Bomb on Japan not once, but twice. Do you know what kind of balls it takes too do that? That’s some crazy shit! Two fucking atom bombs! Damn dude!
Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961
Eisenhower enjoyed cooking as a hobby, with particular emphasis on outdoor cooking. During his time as President, he even cooked food on the White House roof. I guess he had nothing better too do.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963
He should have said 'Ich bin ein shot in the fucking skull by the FBI, Mob, Cubans, and a bunch of other people who hated me.' That seems a little more appropriate don’t you think?
Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969
This guy picked up his pet beagle by the ears and then snapped its neck with his bare hands. True story. Look it up on the Wikipedia. I dare you! He also liked to skinny dip!
Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974
The first President to publicly state that he didn’t give a shit about the law because he was the fucking President. He also pissed on Eisenhower’s grave and skull fucked Kennedy! I made those last two up.
Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977
People hated Ford so much that he had two assassination attempts against him. That’s two more then that child fucker Grover Cleveland. You may be able to dodge a bullet but you can’t dodge time my friend. Tick-tock.
James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981
You see America; this is what you get when you elect a farmer. You get a hostage crisis, a gas crisis, and a dumb ass brother who starts his own beer company to capitalize on his famous name.
Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989
While Ol’ Ronnie was busy fighting the commie scourge, his wife Nancy was banging Frank Sinatra in the Lincoln Bedroom. Proof? I don’t need any proof. Look at her! If you were an aging mob singer you’d fuck that too!
George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993
He puked all over the Prime Minister of Japan, plus he banned broccoli from the White House and Air Force One. Way too set an example. Hey kids, when you become President just be a dick and do whatever you want!
William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001
I could take the easy road here and make a bunch of low brow dick sucking jokes…but I won’t. I mean that would be too easy and I don’t want to blow my load this early….shit! It’s harder then you think…oh fuck!
George Walker Bush, 2001- Current
He’s like Nixon in that he just doesn’t give a shit. I wonder how he got such a low approval rating? I bet it has something too do with all those troop deaths and needless wars. Plus he’s a bit of a jerk.
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