Pec Work

I once thought that this was a good idea, but not so much anymore. 43 stories about the Presidents of the United States with each story being the number of words long as it relates to which President they were. So for example, Benjamin Harrison was the 23rd President, so his story is 23 words long. Only performed once at a grilled cheese party.

Presidents.
By: B. Thomas Hunter

George Washington, 1789-1797
Asshole!

John Adams, 1797-1801
Fucking moron!

Thomas Jefferson, 1801-1809
Ol’ Slave Fucker!

James Madison, 1809-1817
Dicksucker of the Constitution

James Monroe, 1817-1825
Monroe Doctrine? Worst President ever!

John Quincy Adams, 1825-1829
Whig party? You’re a bald dumbass!

Andrew Jackson, 1829-1837
Thanks for letting Arkansas join the Union!

Martin Van Buren, 1837-1841
Aroostook War? No one died? Not a war!

William Henry Harrison, 1841
Old Tippecanoe? More like Old I Don’t Know Shit!

John Tyler, 1841-1845
He only became President because William Harrison’s dumb ass died.

James Knox Polk, 1845-1849
Can you say Mexican-American War? Thanks a lot you fucking jerk.

Zachary Taylor, 1849-1850
Old Rough and Ready? It’s more like Old Died Of Food Poisoning!

Millard Fillmore, 1850-1853
Know Nothing Party. Yeah, I wonder why you lost that election. Dumb ass.

Franklin Pierce, 1853-1857
This guy hurt his leg and passed out and he was still elected President!

James Buchanan, 1857-1861
Five words: Failure to deal with secession. Thanks a lot for that civil war jerktard!

Abraham Lincoln, 1861-1865
Honest Abe, the Rail Splitter, Great Emancipator. Call him whatever; he still looks like a jerk!

Andrew Johnson, 1865-1869
One word: Impeachment! That’s right; this jerk was the first asshole too be impeached! Way to go!

Ulysses Simpson Grant, 1869-1877
What’s that? Gold-speculation financial crisis? Whiskey Ring of 1875? Sanborn Incident? Anti-Semitism? Look it up!

Rutherford Birchard Hayes, 1877-1881
He gave us the Timber and Stone Act. What was that? Some law no one gives a shit about!

James Abram Garfield, 1881
Want to know why he was shot? Because Chester Arthur wanted to be President! That’s right. President Chester Alan Arthur!

Chester Alan Arthur, 1881-1885
We know you did it! Fess up! You can’t hide behind those mutton chop forever! Someone will find out soon enough!

Grover Cleveland, 1885-1889
He married his friends’ daughter. If that wasn’t bad enough she was only 21. Know what that makes him? A child fucker!

Benjamin Harrison, 1889-1893
His wife died of tuberculosis. That’s not really that funny...until you find out that he gave it too her. What an asshole!

Grover Cleveland, 1893-1897
Well look who it is! The child fucker returns. This guy was against woman’s suffrage but for fucking his friends’ 21 year old daughter!

William McKinley, 1897-1901
Mix up the letters “Leon Czolgosz” and you get “CLOG NOZZLE SO”. Do the same with “McKinley” and you get “NECK LIMY.” Think about it!

Theodore Roosevelt, 1901-1909
When he died his son sent a telegram that said "The old lion is dead." It should have read “He sure was a really shitty President.”

William Howard Taft, 1909-1913
We should have a sign on the White House that says “No Fatties!” If that doesn’t work someone dig up Chester Arthur to solve America's weight problem.

Woodrow Wilson, 1913-1921
He went to Paris in 1919 to create the League of Nations and shape the Treaty of Versailles. Fucked that one up didn’t ya! Can you say WW2?

Warren Gamaliel Harding, 1921-1923
Did I mention that he was in the KKK? How about he cheated on his wife while in office? I guess being a racist adulterer could kill any President!

Calvin Coolidge, 1923-1929
This guy kind of started the FRC. What’s that? The group who won’t let you say dirty words on the radio. George Carlin owes this guy a debt of gratitude!

Herbert Clark Hoover, 1929-1933
He was the first illiterate President to ever fuck his sister in the White House, and by sister I mean American citizens, and by White House I mean Great Depression. Thanks!

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 1933-1945
He couldn’t walk, but it wasn’t because he had Polio, it’s because he was lazy. Plus he let the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor. This cripple sure knows how to throw a party.

Harry S. Truman, 1945-1953
He dropped the Atom Bomb on Japan not once, but twice. Do you know what kind of balls it takes too do that? That’s some crazy shit! Two fucking atom bombs! Damn dude!

Dwight David Eisenhower 1953-1961
Eisenhower enjoyed cooking as a hobby, with particular emphasis on outdoor cooking. During his time as President, he even cooked food on the White House roof. I guess he had nothing better too do.

John Fitzgerald Kennedy, 1961-1963
He should have said 'Ich bin ein shot in the fucking skull by the FBI, Mob, Cubans, and a bunch of other people who hated me.' That seems a little more appropriate don’t you think?

Lyndon Baines Johnson, 1963-1969
This guy picked up his pet beagle by the ears and then snapped its neck with his bare hands. True story. Look it up on the Wikipedia. I dare you! He also liked to skinny dip!

Richard Milhous Nixon, 1969-1974
The first President to publicly state that he didn’t give a shit about the law because he was the fucking President. He also pissed on Eisenhower’s grave and skull fucked Kennedy! I made those last two up.

Gerald Rudolph Ford, 1974-1977
People hated Ford so much that he had two assassination attempts against him. That’s two more then that child fucker Grover Cleveland. You may be able to dodge a bullet but you can’t dodge time my friend. Tick-tock.

James Earl Carter, Jr., 1977-1981
You see America; this is what you get when you elect a farmer. You get a hostage crisis, a gas crisis, and a dumb ass brother who starts his own beer company to capitalize on his famous name.

Ronald Wilson Reagan, 1981-1989
While Ol’ Ronnie was busy fighting the commie scourge, his wife Nancy was banging Frank Sinatra in the Lincoln Bedroom. Proof? I don’t need any proof. Look at her! If you were an aging mob singer you’d fuck that too!

George Herbert Walker Bush, 1989-1993
He puked all over the Prime Minister of Japan, plus he banned broccoli from the White House and Air Force One. Way too set an example. Hey kids, when you become President just be a dick and do whatever you want!

William Jefferson Clinton, 1993-2001
I could take the easy road here and make a bunch of low brow dick sucking jokes…but I won’t. I mean that would be too easy and I don’t want to blow my load this early….shit! It’s harder then you think…oh fuck!

George Walker Bush, 2001- Current
He’s like Nixon in that he just doesn’t give a shit. I wonder how he got such a low approval rating? I bet it has something too do with all those troop deaths and needless wars. Plus he’s a bit of a jerk.